Cycle Speed Bumps give me the hump

Dear Islington Council,


I was alarmed to hear you'd recently installed 'cyclist's speed bumps' on Douglas Road South in Islington because apparently there are far too many cyclists using this particular stretch of road, presumably flying along out of control and it was only a matter of time before a local resident was knocked down and killed by one of these terror-bikers!

I hear the speed bumps cost some £3,000 to install - a considerable sum I am sure you will agree.  So I am sure that you did your home work before hand and made sure that EVERY resident along this road had asked for the speed bumps (or at least a majority, this is a democracy after all).  I am sure you also commissioned a study to see just how many of these local residents were knocked down and ensured the speed bumps were a commensurate measure suitable to the perceived danger.  I am sure that you took into account the fact that cycling regularly is likely to reduce the risk of heart failure by up to 50% for riders and that it reduces pollution in the local area and factored all of these points into your cycle speed bump equation.

Oh, and of course I know you must have taken into consideration universal access issues - still, I doubt many people with prams, in wheelchairs or with vision impairments probably ever come near this road, right?  So the 14 speed bumps in a row won't affect them at all - no problem!

I am sure you also responded to local residents who said they were concerned that they would be knocked down by cyclists by asking them (politely of course) to just look where they were going before stepping into their road, but I know what these pesky residents are like, they just don't listen do they?

I am sure you also prepared them for the potential shift to motorised transport on their street as all the cyclists who used to use this relatively safe and quiet road decide to drive cars instead to get from A to B, because of the convenience.  Ah, but hang on a minute - more cars - hmmm, 10 people a day die on our roads as a result of car accidents, but I believe only 3 died last YEAR as a consequence of cycling incidents.  So I guess we'd better put 14 speed bumps in a row in all of our roads, to slow down the cars that all the cyclists are driving now, right?

Thanks, Islington Council, that was a well thought out purchase - money well spent!  I am sure that we will all, motorists and residents of Douglas Road South alike will have a better quality of life as a consequence.

Yours somewhat sarcastically,

Mark